Underestimating The Enemy

And it seems I forgot who I live with. Do you have a child that touches everything and I do mean everything? Well I do. For fear of her actually using the term to her defense we never let her know that we have nicknamed her behind her back a Klepper. She literally is a kleptomaniac. Touching or taking anything that isn't nailed down. You lost a sock? It's in her room. No toll money? That's because she took it out of your cup holder and put it in her room. I'm keeping an eye out for a smell because I am thinking there could be bodies in there at the rate she hides things. You see she is very good at what she does so stealth and ninja like we aren't aware that the beast has been fed. She is so good her nimble fingers could probably unhook your shining bedazzled earrings without you feeling so much as a tickle if she wanted them. I was reminded yet again today that my child would take anything that wasn't nailed down. Everyone had a busy day and their own schedule to follow. This beautiful Saturday afternoon mommy and daughter were going to the farmers market while brother had a birthday party. Dad and mom discussed swapping out the cash for the farmers market with the credit card and traded. Dad left said cash on the counter and mom quickly put in her pocket because she knows herself and would leave her head in the freezer if it wasn't attached (the freezer seems to be where I leave everything. Keys, peanut butter, towels, etc....when in doubt check the freezer). As mom feels somewhat prepared and heads out the door she places the card on the entertainment center by dad's things so he can find it. Aside from mom losing everything, dad can't find anything (makes for an interesting game of hide and seek)so it's best if things are left in the proper place. After finally making it out the door and heading down the road to our destination there is a call from dad. Mom and dad discuss where the card is because he can't find it. You know what's going on don't you? Mom (turning the car around to help him find the card)in her head is fuming thinking it is probably right in front of him he couldn't find his nose if it wasn't smack dab in the middle of his face. Dad is like this scatterbrained airhead probably got distracted and put it in the freezer. Both are trying their hardest to be polite through clenched teeth without calling the other an idiot but each knows that the other is at fault for this latest mishap and waste of time. Now the oldest is late for his birthday party he is attending and mom and daughter are late to meet their party at the farmers market so everyone is crabby. Everyone except the little bag lady in the backseat strangely quiet. Mom returns home and both parents tear through the house looking for the card under and over, in and on top of every piece of furniture, cabinet, and nook. When LIGHTBULB mom remembers who she is raising and calls out to dad..."BRING ME THE LITTLE ONE"! She comes in the house bashful and silent endures questioning and without breaking a sweat mumbles I may have picked something up earlier. Something? Yeah right something! This little terror knows what she did but is trying to play coy and stupid at the same time hoping to avoid any punishment. Her little angelic lying face is all "Gosh guys I didn't know little ol me shouldn't touch things that aren't mine and clearly don't have anything to do with me being as I am only 7, I'm awfully sorry". That face doesn't save her though EVER, you become immune to it after the age of 2. I made up that face I invented that look and it's copy written so wipe it off that mug now and tell us what you did with the goods (This is starting to sound strangely like an interrogation/drug deal gone bad). Now she says "I think it's on my toy box". You think?! I literally put it down and turned my back for 5.6 seconds so you should know what you did with it in the small window you had to snag and stash it. We are all in her room tearing it apart significantly later now to our prior obligations. She keeps sounding semi concerned like hmmm I am pretty sure it was right there I don't know where it could have gone. It was something that looked like a plastic piece right? Right! I am thinking to myself now she is playing with my emotions. She knows what it is and knew when she took it the little con artist. As we are dumping out drawers and throwing toys and shoes she finally walks over the bookshelf in a sneaky spot and says "oh did you mean this"? No, actually we meant the other credit cards you stole this one isn't ours....this is why time outs for parents were invented. I took a deep breath and sent her to the car so as not to wind up in jail on such a sunny day. While we calmed down got rearranged and began to sprint off to our destinations again; I plotted and planned on just the right lesson teaching way to pay her back. I think the mess I finished making in her room that she will have to clean up upon our return should be sufficient. However, I'll play it by ear wouldn't want to let her off the hook too easy. I will stand there in awe with a Gosh I didn't know you were going to have to pick up all that stuff, I'm awfully sorry look on my face mixed with a little smirk of TRY ME. Lesson learned, never forget who your kids are. They plan on using that against you. I underestimated you this time seven year old swiper but Dora can't save your butt with a song so next time think twice before trying to play me.

Say it again!

Wants to know are there classes in the womb or do kids come preprogramed to make you mad? Why is it that so many children have the same reactions to normal communication with their parents? I swear any direction I give is something that my psychic children what? ALREADY KNEW! Of course you did that's why you weren't doing it until I said to. I am guessing you were just waiting till you thought it was a good time for it right? Funny how that always happens. Pick up your socks "I Know". Clean up your dishes..."I know". Of course there is the variation of this carefully polite form of your kids getting away with basically telling you up yours. The old "I was" gets thrown around from time to time. Finish your homework "I was". "I am", "I will", and "I was about to" are all just verbal forms of the middle finger if you ask me. It is just surprising to me that it's such a natural reaction for so many children. Do they talk about this at school on the playground? Trading stories of how to take over the world one day and how they single handedly drove their parents crazy? I mean picture it a crowd of first graders teaching shoe tying techniques while mulling over which phrase gets their parents goat the most. Their tiny voices teeth missing and all saying "ohhh wisten to dis so I towd her I know I was about to and her head exploded" they all giggle and then run and play tag. Well I have news for them, parents need to fight back! I am seriously fining the next little person that responds to me with any of these choices or any variation of it that I haven't heard yet with house chores. Sometimes I just want to shake them and scream BUT YOU DIDN'T KNOW!!! So I will be giving them the opportunity to demonstrate exactly what it is they know like how to do laundry, or make a bed. It will be the I KNOW KIT or the I'm About to....(pull from the box) sweep the floor and I will answer with... I know! ha ha ha in yo face kids! The second question I have is who here has invisible children you didn't know about? They are bad little invisible children too because they just run around all day messing everything up and wreaking havoc. Oh you parents didn't know you had children named Not Me, I Didn't do it, It wasn't me and I don't know? Well yes apparently they were an easy pregnancy and childbirth was a snap because I didn't even know they were here. On the plus side they don't cost me as much as the others do they eat almost nothing and must walk around naked because I never buy them clothes. They do however cause me stress and anger though. They just run from room to room leaving their things on the floor and stealing only one out of a pair of my kids shoes. That little not me gets up In the middle of the night too and touches thing he shouldn't. It seems that they are just trouble makers. Perhaps they are trying to get our attention because they are jealous that us parents never call on them? It seems the kids are the only ones that talk to them. Maybe we should make an effort and see if that helps them feel better. You know when we are in the bathroom and someone is screaming moooooooooooom Mom! Should I just answer...Not me? I'll try it tonight when someone asks me what's for dinner I'll just say I don't know I didn't do it. It is important that we show equal love an attention to all of our children I suppose so I'll give it a go and let you know how it works parents. So far the kids are winning the war. I mean think about it we do everything for them, and work to buy the things they want and need and they just play all day. Wake up! They have turned us into their slaves. Nice one kids nice one, I will require return favors from them now that I am hip to the secret. You know things like chores, and studying will be their work to earn their keep. I'm sure they will think of some way to pawn it all off on Not me or I didn't know though. Well done mini militia I salute you but we parents live to fight another day.