Dejajustice?

The horseplay ensued with giggles. On and on. Even as I reminded them I've asked them to stop twice now. As I reached my limit and contemplated a surprise pop up and punish, it went the way I knew it was destined to go. Something broken, someone in tears, or an argument. I heard a bump and a bang a few stops and then a Heeeey! The oldest quickly ran out yelling she sprayed me with chemicals! She put bathroom cleaner on me. She tried to yell over him and he hit me with the broom! I sat quiet. He complained you aren't going to punish her that's dangerous.
I just sat. Stared. Thinking. Then I turned and gave that crazy look which is happy delirium mixed with danger sprinkled with a little bit of nonchalance. Both parties suddenly cared a whole lot less. The closing arguments came to a halt. They suddenly realized the tornado was about to drop a house on them. I think the boy may have even considered applying more spic and span and calling it his new signature scent. The girl weighing whether the hit with the broom was perhaps a good dose of physical therapy. Backing down the hall they think they're safe since they "stopped" wasting my time with the argument. Oh no, its not that easy. I let them think they won. Television is done and bedtime is on it's own day light savings time schedule because it's sprung ahead several hours. I know I fought about "her still looking at me" or "he's been in my room I just know it".....but I still can't justify it. Karma is real so I guess I'll chalk it up to payback. That and pray that one day.  At least one time. They will be brought this same exact argument only after running errands, 4 hours of sleep, and at least double the number of kids. Also starting much earlier in the day. You know because we wouldn't want them pulling the same early bedtime rip cord. What? If they use the same exact punishment, then it's like I've done all the work for them? 

Morning Emotion Excercises

Here we go. I suppose it's something that at least it was day 3 week 1 and not day 1 week one. The daughter is exhausted from having so much fun at the place she counted down to go to...SCHOOL. This walking contradiction was all over the place this morning. She whines about getting up. Friend rings doorbell 15 minutes after wake up but 40 minutes earlier than usual (oh now we are perky). I shut down a clearly planned sooner than needed departure. Yay me, I am rewarded with whining about being at school on time. You just stood here and told me you were sleepy; but now you want to leave early enough that school won't be open for 30 minutes? You did cover opposites in kindergarten right? Seems fishy, no way am I allowing that much unsupervised time. Not my first rodeo. The next hurdle was the outfit. I consider my approach carefully because, you know I know nothing. Mom's are are actually the job that you get the least amount of training for. We just start at the bottom rung and once you make it through the teens we can move up the ranks. Education what's that? Prior knowledge and experience from I don't know living 25 years before you! Yup I'm clearly an ignoramus and now will consult 9 year olds in all future life decisions as they must have been born during the age of enlightenment. I drop the hint that it's going to be another hot one. She ignores me of course (my voice must be on dog whistle when talking to my children). So now I have to put it out there in the form of her idea. I say "Hey it is going to be as hot as it was yesterday, you sure you don't want to wear something a little cooler"? She says "No, I'm fine" smugly as she swallows celery and toast with peanut butter without the appearance of chewing (whatever, if it's food and minimally processed I will kind of allow any mash up of minimal sugar at this point in their diets).

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A Few Reasons Why Mom's May be More Gangsta than Drug Dealers

Reason number 1. They can't put me in jail for the lessons I teach.

I've recently created a fagheeddaboutit box. What is this you wonder? Well this is a jail/hiding spot for things that drive mommy crazy. Strictly in relation to items that people in my house just said ahhhh fagdddaboutit and dropped said item they were holding right were they stood. Then carried on. No it need not make sense. Hot? Sure just put your sweater two steps over the threshold of the kitchen right here on the floor. Hang it up? Put it in your room? Fahgedddaboudit. Socks wet? Just go ahead step out of them right here in the hallway and leave it for others to step on and also wet their socks. Don't bother putting them down the laundry chute that's RIGHT NEXT TO YOU....Nope, Fagheeddaboutit. Please, like the makeup of a mine field if you could also ensure that if I was successful in catching the first one and stepping over it that you put the mate to that sock (also wet) in another location of inconvenience. Thanks. So I pick up these things lock them in the box and now you have to earn them back.

This makes sense, good location.>>>>>>

Now you can Fahhhhgedddabout it!

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Reviews are in

The HR Rep in me put the children in this house on a PIP. I mean honestly at this point if I were their boss their performance evaluations would be held on their way out the door. Cuz they're fired. Instituting crazy procedures to ensure a job well done should not be necessary. Oh. But it is. S.O.P.'s (for those not in the acronym business that's standard operating procedures) on how to clean the kitchen? Yup it's integral to the chore chart in this house. For some reason the small people here feel that only washing dishes is the definition of kitchen duty. So that's fine don't sweep; go ahead and leave little trails for ants I'll be sure to finish the path right up to your pillow. Oh, you didn't want those 6 bowls of oatmeal you kept making each day and then placing in the refrigerator uncovered? Totally fine just go ahead I'll be docking your pay. You can kick in your portion for the grocery bill if your going to waste food. Also, cleaning out the refrigerator is step 5 on the SOP for the kitchen soooo......yyyyeeeah you missed a spot. Don't want to wipe off the table/counters/microwave (step 4)? Ok that's fine I'll take your favorite item of clothing and use it to perform the "glove test". That way maybe you'll place more importance on wiping the smeared peanut butter and syrup residue up if you are properly incentivized. Yes, I said Incentives. Sure I will actually pay allowances for chores when I don't have to fight with people and review their work 4 times before it's done right.

Grades not so great? That's cool. I've spoken with your teachers and all work not above an 80% now comes home for corrections. I will be re-correcting the corrections you make. Sheets that have been corrected are not allowed to be turned in until I sign and date it. This has been made clear to all accepting participants. This means don't attempt to write a bunch of wrong crap again and then turn it in. Again. I will be notified. I also have a log of everything I correct. You will be caught. You will be starting over.  Either you can work smart the first time. Correct carefully the second time. Or, waste your entire week redoing the same 6 problems over and over and over and over....get it? Insanity it is? Ok cool your choice. It should be noted that if a particular area or subject matter is consistently an issue. It's going to say to me that you didn't get trained properly. I am going to request you enroll in a skills lab and retrain. This means I will be logging hours upon hours of youtube videos and more worksheets that won't count for school grades. Nope won't be turned in, they are just for my own personal gratification to ensure you are fully studied up. Yes, I will grade them. Then, I'm going to shred them when you're done. Hurts huh?While we're at it let's also discuss privileges. Privileges are not automatic. These tiny employees assume they should just get whatever they want whenever they want. Well that's a no. I'm now going to assign free time like a boss. You didn't clean the table after breakfast when you smeared peanut butter all over it; and every thing you ever touched this morning is still staring at me after you walked out the door? That's cool. Television privileges have been revoked for the day report for extra chore duty. I will now have you set the table. Then unset the table 5 maybe 12 times. Perhaps that memory training exercises will kick in tomorrow morning when your bowl is empty and you consider leaving it there. If not, I'm sure by day 3 you will want to eat with your hands. Next is toilet paper. Let's just marinate on that one a minute. You all know where I'm going. WHY am I the only one that changes the roll? It's like I bring 6 up and put them in the bin. People waste and wipe and roll and roll. Now you see cardboard. Carefully think about what to do next. If you said reach in and get another roll out of the bin then put it on the counter; you live here and aren't paying rent. Now that's not the the end of it oh no. Let's do this for a week or so and now surprise...the bin is empty. Never mind that you went in and out of that bin and saw the numbers dwindling each time you "replaced" the roll. It's like a bad roulette game where I lose every time! I am somehow the unlucky participant that gets the empty box and then has to yell for someone to bring up toilet paper. Aside from my frustration in regards to a 1 minute pee now turning into 10 minutes; tack on there that they do what. You got it. Only bring 1! roll up. I'm going to start carrying my own roll from room to room like the remote control. Or maybe I'll just pass out 2 squares each time they need to go. Either way I am expecting a shape up around here. No raises, just pink slips.

I'm pinned can I tap out?

I know that normally when I post it's usually about the boarders that don't pay rent in my home. Today however, evil has another face. A familiar face. You guessed it, myself. And this shall be the day that forever goes down in history as......THE DAY THAT PINTEREST OWNED ME. I have seen the pictures of the fails. The recipes that tasted gross, the hacks that didn't hack it, or the tip that didn't really work. I top that. Yes. You see, I am somehow afflicted with a special kind of awesomeness to ruin my own day. This takes true talent. To have the ability to single handedly destroy your own plans for productivity; well it's a skill that one doesn't come across too often. Outside forces got nothing on me messing up myself. I'll now begin briefing you on my waste of a day. So I have been slowly working on things around the house that I wanted to upgrade when we first bought it. It's 11 years later.....Does it count that I took the blue tape down from the time we never painted 6 years ago? Anyhow, I had been working hard filling my time with all sorts of get me out of this house this year upgrades. Painting, redecorating, semi plumbing, electrical works, organizing, purging and cleaning. I 'm talking all types of get er done. (I think maybe subconsciously I was jealous of myself. I was just starting to get too good wasn't I self, you couldn't handle it?!) Things had been going well. A little progress was being made each day. I felt good about checking things off my list and all was right with the world.
I may or may not have mentioned a few times how clumsy I am. I don't understate either. Like so clumsy that people should be very nice to me. One phone call along with pictures of all the bruises I have and I could pin jail time on any one of you. Honestly it's that bad. Like so bad that the doctor always asks me if I am safe at home and such because I really couldn't tell you what wall I walked into, table I stubbed my toe on, or finger I scratched myself with. I may be a masochist? Besides the klutz factor; also note that in case you haven't realized by now the odds are never in my favor. Like EVER. No really I mean if something is supposed to go one way it won't even go the exact opposite. No, it finds a different much wronger direction to take. Like if I for some odd reason won the lottery, the funding source would file bankruptcy before I could cash in. Now that you get an idea of truly how jacked up my luck is, you can appreciate the unromantic comedy that occurred in my home today. I wake up, drink my coffee, sun is shining. I get kids to school, doctors appointment, and take dogs for a walk (yay me). I asses my schedule and begin planning which things on my list I can touch today before I have to leave to get the kids again. I start cleaning and fixing away. Phone call from kid #1. He's sick. Mind you he was also sick yesterday. Until I picked him up from school. MIRACLE HEALING took place I suppose because he was hopping around on that last nerve I had by the time we reached the house. Today is the last day of the quarter at school. There is still work to be done and turned in today. Answer is A. All of the above are reasons why I made him stay at school. I thought I was going to have to pick him up and waste the rest of my night at the walk in clinic. Nope thankfully (or tortuously I got to keep on keepin on) Whew that was a close one, now back to work. I check the clock and I am still good on time before the other child is out of school. I begin filing paperwork, organizing cabinets,  and wiping things down. On a roll I begin thinking to myself about a project I had waited months on. In the summer I had spray painted the mailbox red and just loved it. I wanted to do the door but didn't get around to it. Once the cold weather hit I thought I should probably wait, it has to be warm to paint right? As I am washing windows I rethink the plan. Wait let's read that can again. Ahh it says that is if you are painting outside but I will be inside and the heat is on. I'm fine right? I go to the home decorators decision maker...Pinterest. Yeah this random lady says it's ok. So cool I think I'm in. I thought about using a can of paint like I had on the other door but brushing took way long. Oh look here she even says to use spray paint because it dries faster. I consider this. Do I even have spray paint that color still? How would I spray paint in the house without it getting everywhere? Luckily I surf the pin pole again and they say just tape it off good and put a drop cloth down. Score. I begin taping the window. I'm like so serious about it too. I am creasing and double layering and plastic bagging the crap out of it. Next I start putting old towels up behind the door in case some sneaks through the cracks because I don't want it on my walls right?

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Gift Guru

Dearest family and friends. You love my children through me. Because they are an extension of me they know you. This means my sanity and I have first dibs on your love. Out of that love you purchase them things. For the sake of everything that is holy and sacred; my sanity and I request when you purchase your gifts, to keep us in mind. Loud, messy, gifts only hurt those that you love. Firstly my sanity and I (whom I've just informed you that you love more), secondly those kids (you kind of like). Future presents should be tested in your own house for a week. If you don't want to snap necks afterwards, my arms are open. Parents I know you feel you have exclusivity rights on torturing your children. This isn't true. You have spanked us, grounded us, and by cosmic karma of our own children, been paid a thousand times over. Both for those things you know of; as well as the ones we were able to get away with. In fact, I think you are starting to rack up a "payback" debt quite frankly (I can't break hundreds right now, but I do accept babysitting IOU's). When our 4 fathers pictured this country. Frantic and dazed zombie mothers with legos puncturing their feet, cheerios in their hair, sleep deprived, starved from sharing half every thing that went into their mouths over the last however many years, and Gak stains soiling their clothes hiding out at the grocery store wasn't what they pictured (too much?). Ok I digress, I really just want to say thank you for being so generous to my children (*hint hint*there's a but). >>>>Here it is. BUT...maybe next time we can buy things like the actual quiet game (why doesn't this exist yet)? Hide and don't seek? The little engine that cleaned perhaps? Maybe musical instruments that play on dog whistle frequencies or mineforgoldtomakemomanddadrich craft? Just suggestions. Now it isn't only you. I have turned over a new leaf as well. Things that seemed like a good idea to me, have now only served to chip away at the tiniest peace of mind I had left. Pearler beads are a nice quiet activity you say. You simply sit and create fabulous designs you say. WRONG! I end up working in a sweat shop at the ironing board. What the box doesn't tell you is that you are at the beck and call of creativity's dungeoneous whims. I mean honestly if they ever did anything I asked of them with as much conviction, I wouldn't be writing this right now. Seriously, these kids pump out "designs" faster than Air Jordan's are manufactured. Of course I was only cleaning, eating, toileting, etc. (insert whatever vital life task you are doing and it's worth interrupting) but I'll get back to my post with the heat to fuse together your assembly line of plastic colorful shapes. Priorities. You're right that does take precedence. Suuuuure at first the kids are somewhat quiet. It's very short lived though. Until you have to break up the cage match over the last ice blue bead, or someone taking too long to finish with the square plastic pattern that the other one absolutely needs. Because when one pictures monocrhomatic beads in a specific pattern; you can't possibly disappoint that fantasy by making a heart when you saw a square. Nor should you have to switch colors. Of course it makes sense to use all 5000 of that color before anyone else gets a chance. I mean what would your brain think about you giving in to the unimagined shape and or color shift? Irritated?! Who me? Nahhhh.

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