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Welcome to my blog! I often use this as a way to express my feelings or frustration with situations. Hope you enjoy reading it and it serves to provide you with a little entertainment as well.




Sunday, March 28, 2010

Survival of the unfittest

So to begin I should warn you...this one may get a little whiny ;)

I have been sick for the past week and not very pleased about it. On top of the mountains of things piling up at work, I can't help but think about all of the things that I am not doing that I should be around the house. Regular healthy home cooked meals, cleaning, productive creative use of time, prepping for the upcoming week i.e. sewing patches on uniforms, bagging snacks, picking out costume for theme day at school, and grocery shopping are things of the past. However, through all of this a learning experience has presented itself that I would like to share, sort of tips for survival if you will.

Things I have learned to accept this past week

1. The laundry is probably able to walk itself over to the wash and jump in by now, if somehow detergent could get in there this would be a benefit.

2. The kids don't need to worry about a tan as by now they have a nice thick layer of dirt covering them I'm sure..could this be deemed sunblock, is there an SPF in dirt, I'll have to check on that?

3. Crackers, cheese, cheerios, and peanut butter  is not a meal but if you want to feed a family from the couch this is your life

4. Altough normally I would not condone regular tv watching for more than 1 hour a day...It's the best babysitter in the world while sleeping away the flu. This and fenced in yards with windows large enough to see the yard from the couch...Thank you GOD

And finally the most crucial
5. Like sharks to blood in the water...kids can smell a weekened state. Ignoring them frequently or pretending to sleep while they beg for things is the only way to survive these dangerous attacks while you regain your strenght for the next battle. May seem cowardly to you, but you'll live to fight another day ;)
I must you warn you they will ask for all kinds of outrageous request in hopes that your delerium will score a disallowed sugary beverage, cookies for breakfast, or a chance to use scissors to spread peanut butter. Like in the tale from the Bible fasting for 40 days and nights, you will need all your strength to deny these temptations because unfortunately sometimes they might make sense for a fleeting moment as you are off your game. Stay Strong

All this knowledge on the road to recovery has been helpful so I thought I might pass it on

Now to share a funny moment I have caught as I am in my slowed down state and all I can do is sit on the couch. I am listening to the kids and it's a good form of entertainment

I was successfully able to distract the kids from bothering me and offered up a pair of binoculars to prompt bird watching. While the kids were attempting to locate the other binoculars this is the conversation coming from the bedroom. I can't help but snicker.

7 year old...Ok look in my toy chest I will look in the bins
4 year old....K
7 Year old....Are you even looking or are you playing?
4 Year old...Yeah
7 Year old (frustrated) You are getting off track, look for binoculars!
4 Year old...Ok
7 Year old...You're still just playing with toys and that's not what I asked!
4 Year old...oooo look what's this?

~ Seems that 7 year old got a little lesson in parenting ;) Welcome to my world

Friday, March 26, 2010

And then

So a friend asked the question recently...Why is it that when kids are well behaved parents are shocked? It's what we expect and demand of them right? Awww really?

I am dumbfounded that this was a question some one thought in their head and then before it was dismissed as irrationality, it somehow snuck through and represented itself as a an actual question. Poor kidless Joe didn't even realize this phantom inquisition was actually a cruel brain fart disguised to make them appear unintelligent. Yup they actually thought about it and after rolling it around in their melon decided it made sense to verbalize it.

I could hear the slow motion in my head like in the movies Oooooooooooooowwwwwwwwo Nooooooooooowaaaaaaaaaa as I looked at the other parents around me. My first thought was to take cover and distance myself from the mouth those words just came out of. But then I realized I kinda felt bad for him. He had no idea what he had just said to a group of mothers was like shouting fire in a crowded theatre.

I hoped by being the first one to answer I could downplay the situation and lighten the mood. I said "Joe"( we will continue to call him, to protect his privacy) "What we ask of our children and what they normally do are two separate things, which is why the surprise when things are done right".

Mapping it out for him I explained, "For example I tell my children please don't touch that", as I see the need lingering on their tiny munchkin faces, their eyes glazed thinking of all the shiny button combinations they can press on grandma's new cell phone. (The combinations that will inevitably cause a system overload of some sort and result in my checkbook weighing a little less). I noticed this first directive doesn't look to have stunned the beast err um child so I fire another warning round, louder this time...DO NOT TOUCH THAT PLEASE (don't you love how you are technically yelling but you use words like please, to sound like you are being nice and rational?) Anyhow I look back and notice that time I had roused the child from their trance of destruction, their gaze fixated for a moment on me then back to the phone weighing the odds. I pull the pin out of the grenade...I SAID DO NOT!!!

Of course like the game of telephone by the time it travels down their ear canals, bounces off of their Eustachian tubes, and then transmits to their brain, it sounds like this.... Quick, touch that as hard as you can and break it! See if you can hide it before she notices and if not, then act like you didn't hear her! If she gives you any flack say I didn't know. Example is shown below.

Me: Didn't I ask you NOT to touch that?!...Kid: SorRRRYYYEEE (as if you are over reacting) I didn't know. (yup, this is your life)

Unfortunately evidence would not hold up in court about the transmittal of said message so we will have to handle the situation carefully. Most of the time it involves the parent being repetitious using a form of brainwashing passed down over the centuries from one parent to the other. You do this by using such terms as; I asked you not to, I said don't, Please stop, Don't touch! Until the child can no longer hear these words and self combusts or does what you asked. Either reaction is suitable after the cycle repeats itself at least 999 times.

Oddly enough it is like both parties are prisoners of war.

The ever well meaning parent forced in a treacherous circle of saying the same phrases over and over and over and over again until they cant stand the sound of their own voice and hope that by some small miracle their vocal chords give out leaving them powerless to use the words ever again.
Or the desired outcome occurs, the child about ready to jam qtips down their ears until they bleed just to not have to hear the words DON'T TOUCH THAT even 1 more time following the recent 757 and counting; Miraculously deems it easier to just follow the instruction.

Pavlov would be proud ;)

Monday, March 22, 2010

Bathroom Etiquitte for Children

Well I figured all parents feel the same way that I do. 1 bathroom 4 people it's bound to get hectic. I am venting because no matter how many times I say it...No one listens. I figured I would again, this time in writing. Even though we know the reply will always be...(even seconds after reading this) the world famous reply from every child to ever walk the planet..."I didn't know" or "No one told me that" .

These are rules for going to the bathroom. I know we have all seen the office version well I am posting up a home version on my bathroom door, well because I am tired mainly. Here goes


#1 Do not barge in the door and disturb me when I am in the bathroom...do I come in while your pants are down?

#2 Don't stand outside the door and try to have a meaningless conversation with me, I don't care and won't until I am done doing whatever I am doing on the other side of the door

#3 Don't stand and knock until you wear down my patience and I scream at you to go away! I heard you the first five hundred knocks and not answering was my strategy to see if you would get the message...you didn't, GO AWAY

#4 Do not try to tattle on someone through the keyhole...Unless that person is playing with matches while drinking gasoline, balancing on power lines, talking to strangers, and juggling knives...It can wait! Trust me ;)

#5 Do NOT slide things under the door! Sure it gets my attention, but I am sure it wasn't the effect you were going for as I will make a note to ground you later for it.

#6 Do not stand outside the door and poorly fake cry hoping I will be worried enough to answer. I won't, I know the difference between hurt and attention...This will also result in negative attention which trust me you don't want, it ends in punishment.

#7 Do not stand outside the door and argue hoping I rip open the door and intervene...I will and it won't be pretty. See rules 5-6 to find out what occurs

#8 Don't yell at the other one louder than usual hoping that it seeps through the door and reaches my ears from the other room because you know better than to stand outside the door by now...I will still be pissed and delve out punishment for this disruption.

The most important rule of all

#9 Just like the Bible says treat others how you would like to be treated. Remember that one day in the very very very distant future you will be a parent and the bathroom will be your only escape...I will teach classes to grandchildren

Untill justice is served I chant, Pee in peace! Pee in peace!

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