Welcome to my blog! I often use this as a way to express my feelings or frustration with situations. Hope you enjoy reading it and it serves to provide you with a little entertainment as well.

Friday, March 26, 2010

And then

So a friend asked the question recently...Why is it that when kids are well behaved parents are shocked? It's what we expect and demand of them right? Awww really?

I am dumbfounded that this was a question some one thought in their head and then before it was dismissed as irrationality, it somehow snuck through and represented itself as a an actual question. Poor kidless Joe didn't even realize this phantom inquisition was actually a cruel brain fart disguised to make them appear unintelligent. Yup they actually thought about it and after rolling it around in their melon decided it made sense to verbalize it.

I could hear the slow motion in my head like in the movies Oooooooooooooowwwwwwwwo Nooooooooooowaaaaaaaaaa as I looked at the other parents around me. My first thought was to take cover and distance myself from the mouth those words just came out of. But then I realized I kinda felt bad for him. He had no idea what he had just said to a group of mothers was like shouting fire in a crowded theatre.

I hoped by being the first one to answer I could downplay the situation and lighten the mood. I said "Joe"( we will continue to call him, to protect his privacy) "What we ask of our children and what they normally do are two separate things, which is why the surprise when things are done right".

Mapping it out for him I explained, "For example I tell my children please don't touch that", as I see the need lingering on their tiny munchkin faces, their eyes glazed thinking of all the shiny button combinations they can press on grandma's new cell phone. (The combinations that will inevitably cause a system overload of some sort and result in my checkbook weighing a little less). I noticed this first directive doesn't look to have stunned the beast err um child so I fire another warning round, louder this time...DO NOT TOUCH THAT PLEASE (don't you love how you are technically yelling but you use words like please, to sound like you are being nice and rational?) Anyhow I look back and notice that time I had roused the child from their trance of destruction, their gaze fixated for a moment on me then back to the phone weighing the odds. I pull the pin out of the grenade...I SAID DO NOT!!!

Of course like the game of telephone by the time it travels down their ear canals, bounces off of their Eustachian tubes, and then transmits to their brain, it sounds like this.... Quick, touch that as hard as you can and break it! See if you can hide it before she notices and if not, then act like you didn't hear her! If she gives you any flack say I didn't know. Example is shown below.

Me: Didn't I ask you NOT to touch that?!...Kid: SorRRRYYYEEE (as if you are over reacting) I didn't know. (yup, this is your life)

Unfortunately evidence would not hold up in court about the transmittal of said message so we will have to handle the situation carefully. Most of the time it involves the parent being repetitious using a form of brainwashing passed down over the centuries from one parent to the other. You do this by using such terms as; I asked you not to, I said don't, Please stop, Don't touch! Until the child can no longer hear these words and self combusts or does what you asked. Either reaction is suitable after the cycle repeats itself at least 999 times.

Oddly enough it is like both parties are prisoners of war.

The ever well meaning parent forced in a treacherous circle of saying the same phrases over and over and over and over again until they cant stand the sound of their own voice and hope that by some small miracle their vocal chords give out leaving them powerless to use the words ever again.
Or the desired outcome occurs, the child about ready to jam qtips down their ears until they bleed just to not have to hear the words DON'T TOUCH THAT even 1 more time following the recent 757 and counting; Miraculously deems it easier to just follow the instruction.

Pavlov would be proud ;)

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