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Thursday, March 15, 2012

Mission Impossible: What I said vs. What you heard

What do you know before it was even breakfast time those kids were already in the dog house. I will have to take you back further in time for you to understand the full degree of my blood boil.

I had noticed for some time now the kids seemed to think that their clothes were magical. Not sure why, but yes for some reason they thought that those stained, tattered, filthy, lumps of fabric that they left strategically covering every part of the floor you used to be able to see; would actually get up and walk down stairs. Not only walk down stairs but then somehow jump into the machine closing the door behind them and then suddenly reappear folded neatly in their drawers ready for the next magic show. What you don't believe it either? Yeah me neither. Sooooo if they aren't magical then how are they getting washed you say? Well that is easy. MOM! LEAPING OVer Tall Buildings in a uh well (ok not really but it seams like it).  I mean honestly you would think I was trying to rob the Mccallister house the way they have those rooms booby trapped. I tiptoe in there trying not to step on legos, tripping over remote control cars, (insert swear word here) stepping on plastic french fries, stubbing my toe on an easy bake oven, and finally balancing on my one good foot I make my way out covered in glitter and cheetos clutching the prized dirty clothes. Then I use these things God gave me called arms and I put them in the washing machine (ooooo) put in detergent (I know right!) and hit start (Ahhhh) All the peanut butter and jelly sandwhicheeeeeeeessssssssssss! Presto the clothes are clean. Ok well without the sarcasm you can see my point that the laundry isn't that difficult.

My kids however; did not get that memo. Child number 1 has been complaining that he has nothing to wear for the past few weeks. I say well that is because I have cancelled all black ops missions and am only doing the laundry that is in the laundry room. I figured you would notice after you ran out of underwear. Child number 2 over hears the discussion and pipes in that she also has clothes to be washed. I say ok well with it being the weekend I would like both of you to pick up only the DIRTY clothes (They take something out and don't use it and just drop it on the floor, everything gets mixed together and suddenly it's all dirty and I am washing an entire closet full). I tell them I will be doing laundry and that I will no longer do quick loads during the week to meet their urgent need to wear a special shirt. Now that you have seen what I told them, this is what they must have heard: "Continue doing whatever you want I am your servant and yield to you my masters".

Middle of the week rolls around and what do you know here is child #1 in my face telling me he can't find anything to wear (after I shot down his choice of the same shirt he wore the day before). He says I don't really have any clean clothes and I wore these socks 3 days now.....(EWW) Child #2 hears the plight of her brother and chimes in with a face that says "I'm whining but giving attitude, and something smells like old cheese" all at the same time. I don't have anything to wear either these are ugly, and that is dirty, and this is too hot. These two are a piece of work but this isn't even when I get really mad. Just to point out, I am  under the weather with a cold that these patient zero carrier pigeons brought into our house that they are strangely immune to other than a runny nose. I am fighting the second round of this and in a weakened state, so I don't have the strength to be mad and teach lessons. I simply say ok well when we get home tonight you two will need to PICK UP your own clothes off the floor, CARRY them downstairs, and wash them. Full loads not just a shirt or two. They seem to agree. That was too easy

Fast forward to later that evening. Mom is still sick, Dad is now sick, kids are suspiciously healthy other than wiping their noses on the sleeves of a shirt I just know I will have to wash. I mention to them what we discussed this morning and that they should get started. I divvy out responsibilities: You child number 1 are going to operate buttons and pour product, Child number 2 You are on loading detail. I want you to work together to complete this task this is your mission should you accept. Challenge accepted. Both kids run down the stairs and I hold my breath so I don't yell about running in the house and the possibilities of falling down the stairs (don't want to distract the productivity). Both kids scramble back up the stairs alerting me the mission is in phase 1 then plop on the couch to watch tv with the sick adults.  I hear a beep and we pause the TV to allow the appropriate action of changing the loads. I relay the next steps, Team go rendezvous with your target and get it to the second destination the dryer. Minimal grumbling, back in record time, great. A little arguing reveals that someone skipped out on dryer sheets but I decide against scolding (secretly planning an I told you so/take your time to do things the right way lesson after the first static cling shock). I quell the arguments only to find out that Number 1 used my freezer as a nightlight because the light bulb has burned out. I scold him lightly but mainly mention I don't want him playing with it because if left open the food would be ruined. They both do their yea yeah ok whatever I'm listening looks and turn back to the TV. Pleasant rest of the night yada yada.....

Morning is now here I instruct #1 once he is out of the shower to run down and retrieve "the package" out of the dryer placing all items in the basket and leave it at the drop zone. I rustle #2 into the shower then head off to pick out my clothes. I locate #1 and inquire about the task. He says it's out in the living room. I go out to the living room and I find....An EMPTY BASKET??!! I shout some you don't listens and what did I says at him then decide to just run downstairs myself and get the rest of the clothes so #2 can get dressed and I can get out the door. I go to the dryer. Open the door.........Peer inside. EMPTYYY!!!!!!!!!!!! Rooooooooooarrrrr what the heck?! I rip open the washing machine to find it....filled with blankets? Shaking I think there has to be a logical explanation, he dumped the basket upstairs on the floor or something. I go back up stairs and look on the floor, no clothes. I call them both into the room taking deep breaths. They come in with that chip on their shoulder like what does she want now I was busy doing things I want to do and not listening. "Did you wash ANY clothes" I ask? I see the twinkle of fear in their eyes now as they begin to realize what is going on. Here is a tip if anyone asks you a question that you are scared to answer after you made a mistake Never and I do mean NEVER under any circumstance should you answer with "Huh"? It only makes us more upset. They both look at the other to answer hoping to spare their own hides. I don't wait for answer I continue my voice in a scary whisper "Didn't I tell you to wash clothes for you to wear this week"? #1 Answers with the cover all excuse for everything right under good ol I forgot..."I didn't know".  He didn't know? Of course he couldn't have I mean I only said to "DO YOUR LAUNDRY" What he must have heard was "Just go ahead and do whatever you want in the laundry room then hurry back upstairs so you can finish watching tv".  Now I know this sounds like something I would say (right) but now 15 min before I need to head out the door and you are standing there dripping water on my floor in a towel does it make sense at all that's what I would have said?!
As if failed op #1 wasn't enough when I said "Please don't use the freezer as a light if you leave it open all the food could get ruined" What he heard was "Grass fed organic beef is cheap who cares we'll just buy more be sure to leave the door open to the freezer it was getting hot in here anyway". Why you ask did he think I said that, because that's what he did!

 Since neither of those things are what I said

Those children can now be found on the side of a milk carton...kidding, but rumor has it they will be in the laundry room without tv tonight until fluff and fold is permanently pressed in their tiny little brains. That along with paying for the next grocery run and assisting me in cooking up all that yummy thawed out meat.

Mission FAILED

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