Welcome to my blog! I often use this as a way to express my feelings or frustration with situations. Hope you enjoy reading it and it serves to provide you with a little entertainment as well.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

1 for the kids

So don't you love it when your kids get a 1 up on you? At first I thought it was an accident. How things that make you look bad always seem to come up in front of others thanks to your children. Now I realize it is intentional tiny drone warfare by the minions. I was put on to the game because it hit me that mine have started to realize when they may have the home field advantage. You know what I'm talking about, they test you out by saying things that make you look really bad but you can't react to it. No matter how bad you want to throw them over your knee, you have to smile and shrug it off. On the inside you are fuming. In case you didn't notice; for some reason they have this invisible protection surrounding them when other people are around. They can always sense it, depending on who it is they also know how high the level of protection will be. Let me run you through a few scenarios.

 If it's say someone like their grandparents the level is fairly low and they choose their words more carefully.  The most you can expect in these situations is something like the conversation below.

 "Oh mommy is this that chicken you said you didn't like that grandma makes" (while you are sitting at the dinner table with grandma).
They even make stuff up but you know that no one believes you when you deny it. 
Me- Puzzled "Honey I never said I didn't like it"
Kidwithadeathwish- "Yes you did remember you said, I don't like that it's nasty".
Me- nervous giggles "No I didn't I would never say something like that, that's rude"
Littlebrat- "I thought you did because you said it's gross".
Grandma just smiles mentally removing you from the will. That little snot just successfully sunk my battleship. Though I never said anything of the sorts, no one will believe me. Of course you can't over react because it just makes you look more guilty, so while you want to jump up and tell the little liar to stop telling stories. You know this makes you sound like a 6 year old arguing with their sibling. That or a parent that is embarrassed the truth is out so you are taking advantage of your parental powers and punishing them. Yup you have to suck it up make a mental note to make liver for dinner tomorrow as punishment while you sit there mortified.

That was an example of the kind of conversations that take place with the low level security blanket around. Now the good stuff, the one we all dread. The force field of security. The high alert situations are really bad. Like if they are in a doctors office or in a grocery store. It's as if they are guarded by the secret service at fort knox. The are the situations you are sure that DCFS will be showing up at your door for any moment. See the following examples below.

"Winning" Kid- "That is where you scratched me remember mommy"?

Now the actual scenario is you went to hand the child something and you accidentally scraped them with your nail. You felt bad, kissed it, apologized and the child was fine. Now it's all of a sudden a shank to the arm that was intentionally placed there with a hatchet.

Me- Sweating profusely "I didn't scratch you honey don't say stuff like that"
Grounded Kid- "Yeah remember I was crying cuz i was bleeding when you cut me with your nail" (now it's a cut?)
Me- Glancing at the doctor who is trying to pretend like they are not listening but taking notes for the court system "Ok silly now that was an accident (in a giggly tone)"
Soontobehomeless Kid-"It hurt really bad I was crying"

The entire time you are shooting the kid looks like why I oughtta, but they of course act like they dont' see them or they do something even worse. They call you out, "What mommy, why are you blinking at me"?
Your body completely tense now thinking of all the things you could do to stop them now, like a nudge or gentle squeeze of the hand but you know it will just turn into a way to make you look more like a parent who needs their rights stripped. As they yank away shouting "OWWWUAHH, why did you pinch me"?!
Nope can't do that. Now you are just hoping for the appointment to be over as soon as possible so you can get out of here away from the watchful eyes boring holes through you and set the child straight.

Me- Clenched teeth and wide eyes try to relay the message "Now that's enough calm down, you make it seem like it was on purpose, haha it wasn't" 
The doc isn't buying it. You try to distract with questions clearing your throat "Um so what percentile do we think she will be in for height"? Doc is now rolling his eyes like yeah right nice try "I'll look into that for you"
Now all of a sudden the kid is quiet and done making you look like an idiot. But it's too late the damage is done. The doc finishes up the appointment and bids you adieu staring at his chart making notes to check for bruises next time.

Ok good game you little twerp.Brava! Touche'! Oh sure that was a worthy bit, but do remember....YOU HAVE TO GO HOME WITH ME!

Wait for it mwuah ha ha ha ha hmmmm ha ha ha ha ha

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