I may or may not have mentioned a few times how clumsy I am. I don't understate either. Like so clumsy that people should be very nice to me. One phone call along with pictures of all the bruises I have and I could pin jail time on any one of you. Honestly it's that bad. Like so bad that the doctor always asks me if I am safe at home and such because I really couldn't tell you what wall I walked into, table I stubbed my toe on, or finger I scratched myself with. I may be a masochist? Besides the klutz factor; also note that in case you haven't realized by now the odds are never in my favor. Like EVER. No really I mean if something is supposed to go one way it won't even go the exact opposite. No, it finds a different much wronger direction to take. Like if I for some odd reason won the lottery, the funding source would file bankruptcy before I could cash in. Now that you get an idea of truly how jacked up my luck is, you can appreciate the unromantic comedy that occurred in my home today. I wake up, drink my coffee, sun is shining. I get kids to school, doctors appointment, and take dogs for a walk (yay me). I asses my schedule and begin planning which things on my list I can touch today before I have to leave to get the kids again. I start cleaning and fixing away. Phone call from kid #1. He's sick. Mind you he was also sick yesterday. Until I picked him up from school. MIRACLE HEALING took place I suppose because he was hopping around on that last nerve I had by the time we reached the house. Today is the last day of the quarter at school. There is still work to be done and turned in today. Answer is A. All of the above are reasons why I made him stay at school. I thought I was going to have to pick him up and waste the rest of my night at the walk in clinic. Nope thankfully (or tortuously I got to keep on keepin on) Whew that was a close one, now back to work. I check the clock and I am still good on time before the other child is out of school. I begin filing paperwork, organizing cabinets, and wiping things down. On a roll I begin thinking to myself about a project I had waited months on. In the summer I had spray painted the mailbox red and just loved it. I wanted to do the door but didn't get around to it. Once the cold weather hit I thought I should probably wait, it has to be warm to paint right? As I am washing windows I rethink the plan. Wait let's read that can again. Ahh it says that is if you are painting outside but I will be inside and the heat is on. I'm fine right? I go to the home decorators decision maker...Pinterest. Yeah this random lady says it's ok. So cool I think I'm in. I thought about using a can of paint like I had on the other door but brushing took way long. Oh look here she even says to use spray paint because it dries faster. I consider this. Do I even have spray paint that color still? How would I spray paint in the house without it getting everywhere? Luckily I surf the pin pole again and they say just tape it off good and put a drop cloth down. Score. I begin taping the window. I'm like so serious about it too. I am creasing and double layering and plastic bagging the crap out of it. Next I start putting old towels up behind the door in case some sneaks through the cracks because I don't want it on my walls right?
Ok cool I'm in business. I wash the door really good (because Susie spray paint said it should be a clean surface). Get it all dried down and I'm ready to start. Yay I'm excited! I start with baby sprays at the top just testing it out. Looks good. Ok moving on down the door. Nice. ooooh I am giddy with how much like I am in with this door's finished product picture in my head. Whoops a little drip. I wipe it up. Here's where it takes that left turn into you suck city. I am spraying and checking and shaking and spraying when all of a sudden I realize. Crap! I forgot to do the doorknob. Now there are some red sprinkles on the new door knob. Dang it! I quickly wipe at it. That chick was NOT lying this stuff does dry fast. Shoot. Ok I start scraping at it. It's coming off. K I will finish and then worry about that later. I use the foil trick (from pinterest) to cover the doorknob and prevent further damage. Ok it's all good we are ok shake it off. You have 25 minutes to finish this before you have to leave the house to get the girl from school. Wait...Leave? Shoot how am I going to close the door? hmmmm maybe it will be dry by then it says 20 minutes just hurry. Back to spraying. Kind of got a headache. I think I should open some windows to help with ventilation. (whoops) Back to spraying. Now it's cold with these windows open..... hmmmm...... Quick fix turn up the heat it's temporary just a few minutes till I'm done painting. I'm working and humming and smiling. Then it starts to happen. The paint starts dripping in certain spots. Aghhh! What's happening?! Quick conversation in my head, I wonder if that's why people normally take doors off the hinges to paint them? Buuuuut this faceless stranger pinterest girl said it would be less work to just spray it up real quick ON the hinges. I wonder if I got the wrong brand? Damn it. I think I got got. Let's just say this fail is worse than your cookie cups or heart crayons not turning out like the pictures. Oh well I will just use my other source that trumps everything (G word, you know the one) to figure out how to fix the drips. Let me just finish getting the rest of this done so it can dry. Spray, shake spray. Time check. Paint check. Still tacky. Ok hmmm Rethinking the timing thing. I should have waited till I had ample hours and then maybe just maybe I would have saved my self some trouble (Karma). I think I will have to just leave the door open because if I close it the weather stripping will be covered in red. I will just leave the dogs out in case anyone tries to come in and run around the corner, grab her and come right back.
Ok. This next bit isn't for the faint of heart. You will want to look away but don't. Learn this lesson with me. I pull into the driveway and the daughter is all impressed and loving it as soon as she sees it. I say modestly well yes but I'm going to fix those drips and it will be much better (pats self on back). Now I had planned on some other errands and fixes once this quick door redo was finished. That didn't happen. The girl and I enter the house chit chatting and begin fixing after school snacks. I turn around and notice a red spot on the floor. Hhmmm I must have spilled some? I wipe it up and then begin shuffling things back into their proper places so I can do the next project. I notice when I move the table that there is an outline on the floor where the feet marks were? That's weird. I wipe at it and it comes up pink. Shoot! Must have had some spatter? I go and look behind the door and there is nothing on the wall or the door behind it. Ok good. I wipe up the spot on the floor under the table. Move the next item and realize that too has a pinkish red outline on the floor. It just got real. I think the problem is bigger than I assumed. I begin frantically wiping at that space also. I realize the dogs are out and put them away so they don't step in it (<<<<------foreshadowing...too late). As I wipe at that spot and move the next item and see the outline I stand still and survey the room. It's as if I was wearing foggy glasses for a bit because now I see clearly that the problem is so much bigger than a spot on the floor. Picture this. The entire (already cleaned this morning) living room (It's white by the way) covered in a very light pink mist. Nooooooooo!!!! I consider how to clean this up without making a bigger mess. I see as I get a damp towel and wipe at the couch that it's coming off. Whew! Thank you Jesus. Just as quickly as the blessing was doled out though, another punishment arose. I am little by little finding that for some reason the pepto colored spray only randomly selected items to lightly dust. This means that I have to walk around the entire living room lifting up things checking for a spot and then cleaning under it if there is one. Crisis almost averted. Note the ALMOST. I realized that some things that I have been moving back and forth got more than a dusting and are leaving streaks of red on the floor I just cleaned up. Of course now that I noticed this too late it isn't just wiping up and I have to scrub. I decide to get the Magic Eraser thingy because it should clean it up better than just water. That was of course until I had to figure out how to clean up the white smears that it left everywhere I wiped (wipe again with water) Now my shiny floors are cloudy and need to be waxed again but oh well it's not red. White leather couches are mostly clean thanks to the random pillows, papers, blankets, computers that were strewn about on top of them. Yup just some red dead body chalk outlines of them on the new white leather couch. Yyyyyyyeah so if there outlined that also means they are covered. After I wipe up their pink shadows, I wipe those things down and continue the sea of red scavenger hunt. Oh sweet it somehow got not just onto the surround sound speakers but inside the sub as well. Wipe. Mmm move the curtains back and it's on the wall. Wipe. Just when I think I've successfully cleaned the entire room of the faint baby pink hue. I'll spoil it for ya, I didn't. I look down and notice new spots? WTH?? Well that would be because the daughter and I realize that when we came in the bottom of our shoes quickly got a makeover as well and we have been tracking it into the house. Deep breaths. We take off our shoes and wipe the bottoms. I go to put them in the front closet to get them out of the way and low and behold....somehow the cloud crept under the closet door and that floor is pinkish red too! Wipe. NOW I finally got it all. Wrong. I literally had to rearrange every piece of furniture, knick knack, and picture hanging on the wall to finish wiping away the mist. DONE! Haha ha right. Nope. Now I am realizing as the curtains are pulled back from me cleaning behind them they are letting in a better light. In that brighter more vibrant light, I now see as the red angel of death careened through my home selecting it's targets that I didn't realize it went into vent holes and crevices. I know loathe the color red. To make matters worse I can also see (in that new glorious light) that certain areas aren't clean that I wiped down earlier. They just have a fainter pink. Oh remember that cloudy floor I spoke of? Yes that's right the magic eraser and it's magical cleaning contents that it contained was now making a mess instead of cleaning. It had become a baby pink sponge. It seems I was carelessly wielding a stain soaked sponge all over my possessions. In doing so I wasn't cleaning it. I was simply slowly turning everything I touched to a lighter shade of almost invisible pink. My living room was now a Nursery, should I let it go and just work with it? I decided the husband wouldn't be so happy about that. So I continue on rinsing and wiping not only on that entire room. Nah. See, the rooms adjacent had to be cleaned as well because hey, we must have been laying prints for teaching people the foxtrot steps all through the house before we realized it was on our shoes. Needless to say that I had lost all my renovation gusto after that 2 hour debacle and decided I needed to do something less dangerous. That and drop Paula paint the door on the hinges a note. Exhale then clock check and sweet gotta go get the other kid. I think I sat down for 20 seconds though so I'm find don't worry. I get back from picking him up and as we enter the door here come the dogs. Huh? They had been put away earlier as I was cleaning to make sure they didn't "spread the mess" (what a joke). I realize we didn't lock the cage. As we search for their gifts that they leave when no one is home my son says. Umm why are their tails and feet red? I GIVE UP!! At that point I couldn't do anything but laugh and scream hysterically because wow. Just wow. That's my luck.
Whoever's Truman show I'm on please I beg of you, have mercy.