Welcome to my blog! I often use this as a way to express my feelings or frustration with situations. Hope you enjoy reading it and it serves to provide you with a little entertainment as well.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Reviews are in

The HR Rep in me put the children in this house on a PIP. I mean honestly at this point if I were their boss their performance evaluations would be held on their way out the door. Cuz they're fired. Instituting crazy procedures to ensure a job well done should not be necessary. Oh. But it is. S.O.P.'s (for those not in the acronym business that's standard operating procedures) on how to clean the kitchen? Yup it's integral to the chore chart in this house. For some reason the small people here feel that only washing dishes is the definition of kitchen duty. So that's fine don't sweep; go ahead and leave little trails for ants I'll be sure to finish the path right up to your pillow. Oh, you didn't want those 6 bowls of oatmeal you kept making each day and then placing in the refrigerator uncovered? Totally fine just go ahead I'll be docking your pay. You can kick in your portion for the grocery bill if your going to waste food. Also, cleaning out the refrigerator is step 5 on the SOP for the kitchen soooo......yyyyeeeah you missed a spot. Don't want to wipe off the table/counters/microwave (step 4)? Ok that's fine I'll take your favorite item of clothing and use it to perform the "glove test". That way maybe you'll place more importance on wiping the smeared peanut butter and syrup residue up if you are properly incentivized. Yes, I said Incentives. Sure I will actually pay allowances for chores when I don't have to fight with people and review their work 4 times before it's done right.

Grades not so great? That's cool. I've spoken with your teachers and all work not above an 80% now comes home for corrections. I will be re-correcting the corrections you make. Sheets that have been corrected are not allowed to be turned in until I sign and date it. This has been made clear to all accepting participants. This means don't attempt to write a bunch of wrong crap again and then turn it in. Again. I will be notified. I also have a log of everything I correct. You will be caught. You will be starting over.  Either you can work smart the first time. Correct carefully the second time. Or, waste your entire week redoing the same 6 problems over and over and over and over....get it? Insanity it is? Ok cool your choice. It should be noted that if a particular area or subject matter is consistently an issue. It's going to say to me that you didn't get trained properly. I am going to request you enroll in a skills lab and retrain. This means I will be logging hours upon hours of youtube videos and more worksheets that won't count for school grades. Nope won't be turned in, they are just for my own personal gratification to ensure you are fully studied up. Yes, I will grade them. Then, I'm going to shred them when you're done. Hurts huh?While we're at it let's also discuss privileges. Privileges are not automatic. These tiny employees assume they should just get whatever they want whenever they want. Well that's a no. I'm now going to assign free time like a boss. You didn't clean the table after breakfast when you smeared peanut butter all over it; and every thing you ever touched this morning is still staring at me after you walked out the door? That's cool. Television privileges have been revoked for the day report for extra chore duty. I will now have you set the table. Then unset the table 5 maybe 12 times. Perhaps that memory training exercises will kick in tomorrow morning when your bowl is empty and you consider leaving it there. If not, I'm sure by day 3 you will want to eat with your hands. Next is toilet paper. Let's just marinate on that one a minute. You all know where I'm going. WHY am I the only one that changes the roll? It's like I bring 6 up and put them in the bin. People waste and wipe and roll and roll. Now you see cardboard. Carefully think about what to do next. If you said reach in and get another roll out of the bin then put it on the counter; you live here and aren't paying rent. Now that's not the the end of it oh no. Let's do this for a week or so and now surprise...the bin is empty. Never mind that you went in and out of that bin and saw the numbers dwindling each time you "replaced" the roll. It's like a bad roulette game where I lose every time! I am somehow the unlucky participant that gets the empty box and then has to yell for someone to bring up toilet paper. Aside from my frustration in regards to a 1 minute pee now turning into 10 minutes; tack on there that they do what. You got it. Only bring 1! roll up. I'm going to start carrying my own roll from room to room like the remote control. Or maybe I'll just pass out 2 squares each time they need to go. Either way I am expecting a shape up around here. No raises, just pink slips.

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