Our story begins on a vacation. Now keep in mind I am cheap but not necessarily by choice, let's think of it as broke on a budget. This mean when traveling by air I am usually alone. A family of four flying is more likely for us if we tie pillows to our butts and a cape around our neck before we jump off the roof....in other words it's a non occurence.
Of course I already hate anyone who has brought their tiny terrors into what I consider my kid free zone. (disclaimer, please note I only hate you so much after a 26 hour drive to disney world. Of course you can afford to fly and that's your right to bring little timmy...but I still hate you)
Anyway I look around whilst boarding my carriage back to I miss mykidstillthefirstfightville and am thinking man this is a lot of kids I hope I'm not next to a screaming baby.
Screaming baby? Nope, I was actually blessed enough to be seated in front of satan's middle child. Now I will say that he did well for most of the flight but maybe being in the clouds so close to heavenly atmosphere agitated him because slowly I saw red.
This kid is kicking my chair talking about zombies and whining about a drink. I decide sleep is necessary to keep from jumping over the chair and excorsising this precious demon. I fall asleep and am out until slowly I hear what can only be the serpent whispering through the cracks of the seats at me. He is saying SSSSucka....SSSUCka.....SssssUCKAAAAAA! You know that point when you are asleep but still coherent, that's where I was and in my dreams I'm like what is that noise then as I slowly became aware and realized what was happening. I notice the dad finally realizes what is going on (you know there is soo much space between airplane seats that his dad must have been in another country or something, hopefully you picked up on that sarcasm) and he says stop you are waking her up that's rude. THANK YOU! I lay my head down and start to drift off again. The petite price of darkness starts in again. Suckaaaaaa ha ha suckaaaaaa sssuccka sucka...this little mf is going to get choked out quick if someone doesn't stop him from ruining my last few little moments of vacation. I whip around like what is that noise trying to get someone with him to realize he is bothering me again. The dad says no no stop that......REALLY? I say fine lay back again and not 5 minutes later the kid is at it again. I stretch a little to give the dad a hint that he needs to check this kid before I lock him in the overhead storage when the seat belt sign goes off. Dad says hush but then quickly ignores him again. Ok kid its on now. I start putting my seat all the way back trying to give him the sign that I will choke a strangers 4 year old and the sneaky little snake starts throwing stuff through the cracks. I immediately think oh no you didn't game on you little maggot! Had they not announced that we were landing in 10 min I think security would have been waiting for me at the landing strip.
We are exiting the plane and I am still gathering things so they get off first. When I finally make my way off I run into that little bundle of busted getting their stroller at the gate. He sees me coming and starts smiling slyly like he won, till I give him that stern mom you know you were wrong and I will spank you and your dad you try that crap again look and he quickly grabs his dads leg. As I keep walking towards him shaking my head like that was a bad thing brother I eye him down. He keeps staring and gripping dad who is not paying the least bit of attention you know like the whole flight, that's right this is what crazy looks like be afraid be very afraid. I keep looking back every now and then just to shake him and he is frozen staring at the bogeyman walking away, now it's your turn to try to sleep devil mwuah ha ha ha